Match Day
by pete marshall
Floodlit dreams upon a baize
where shadows waltz and serenade,
who dance & weave within a heart
as man turns boy, as light turns dark.
When thoughts are lost within your dreams,
seasoned hopes and passions screamed,
bags are packed but never seen,
lovers leave as games have been.
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Tonight my good friend Julie Watkins hosts Meeting the Bar at D'verse, when challenged with "tackling the big subjects", heck she could only mean football...surely
image courtesy creative commons flickr http://www.flickr.com/photos/auro/
16 comments:
I spent many a friday night on those floodlit fields as an assistand rv coach....great write :)
pete is in the house...woohooo...she means passion and you write football...haha...
good to see you and i love your poem
ok - read it again...you've tackled the big subject of loss with football..goodness pete - this is very well done!
Hi Pete -
I think you've done an excellent job of showing your theme with poetic device (the visual imagery in particular) and presenting it very poetically; this way it's both more evocative as we can more easily access it (especially those of us who aren't particularly into football) and enjoy the aesthetics of a nicely written piece of poetry. Football - a big topic to a lot of people (!), well-handled in regards to tackling and allowing a wider readership in. Your unerring sense of rhythm/meter and rhyme-scheme hold it with a firm hand also.
your opening gambit is my favourite part - the 'baize' ref and shadows 'waltzing'/'serenading' very strong figurative language:
Floodlit dreams upon a baize
where shadows waltz and serenade
I did however get lost at the very end; not sure what you mean by 'as games have been'; the syntax/ general phrasing here seems ambiguous and I just can't work out what the Narrative Voice is conveying. Probably just me.
I'd be inclined to stanza-break this into couplets. It would make more sense of the rhyme-scheme and strengthen it, in turn that further underscoring the content. The breaks would also give the piece more body, some rom to breath, slow the reader down and make the poem appear more crafted on the page/screen, in my opinion. Just to see how that would look -
Floodlit dreams upon a baize
where shadows waltz and serenade,
who dance & weave within a heart
as man turns boy, as light turns dark.
When thoughts are lost within your dreams,
seasoned hopes and passions screamed,
bags are packed but never seen,
lovers leave as games have been.
Fine piece Pete, enjoyed it very much.
Cheers my friend,
Luke
First of all, I have to tell you that you gave me the best laugh of the day with your comment on dVerse about Essex boys and passion. A true right out loud laugh.
Now, back to the business at hand. I like this, Pete. It reads like a coming-of-age reflection, when one gets slapped up the side of the head by some of adulthood's harsh realities.
How are things with you? Saw your comment about not writing as much. Welcome to the club. Must be something in the air...
"as man turns boy, as light turns dark"
What a great line...this so true as sport takes over the heart..football, baseball etc...so good to hear your words...bkm
I am here to offer critique...uh, no, I'm not. Sorry. Just here to enjoy the poem. One day I will work up the nerve to look at work such as yours with a critical eye, but then I lose the moment...that smile that comes at the end of an awesome read. And the chuckle at your aside...of course Julie meant football...I mean really! Of the few matches I've seen, passion and loss most certainly play a role. And maybe you should stop at 19 pints and see if things don't go a little more smoothly ;) (Sorry, couldn't resist! Drinks on me!)
Very nice poem, Pete-- game, set match... altho I think that's tennis-- And look at the lovely feedback, esp from the inimitable Mr. Prater himself-- I concur with him but I am so glad to see you back. xxxj
heck she could only mean football...surely hahahahaha I laughed out loud when I read that.
Been a long night my friend but I was determined to come pay you a visit before I head off to bed.
Growing up with two brothers I had no option other than to watch the footie. One of them a ManU supporter the other one Leeds so I supported Liverpool just to wind the pair of them up...but it really was all about Kevin Keegan's perm lol
Wonderful use of the word 'baize' as I automatically think of the green baize of a snooker table when I hear that word (football mad brothers, snooker mad grandad and a nan who liked all-in wrestling - weekends were a hoot in our house!)
I like Luke's suggestion of couplets, it gives the piece a little room to breathe and he's right it would concentrate and focus each thought.
I read the last two lines as someone having left emotionally but not physically and the games having been and gone/already played but I can also see what Luke means. I think you could reword that to clarify it a little. Will think on it, see if my little noggin can come up with an alternative suggestion.
Rhythm and rhyme, spot on as always and a pleasure to read.
Hell I go on once I get started don't I. Anyway, thanks for pitching up and the lovely comments. Nos dda cariad.
A good friend was recently drafted into the NFL. This piece conveys the feelings surrounding that event. Bravo!
Pete
Football surely it is! The frenzy, heart-aches,the demands, bookies and the pains, the passion, big money and lately the anticipated sex escapades brought out into the open which made headlines.
Hank
ha. fascinating..funny thing is that there are many football teams that take ballet here in the US to gain flexibility and grace on the pitch...as always i enjoy your smooth rhythm and cadence...
Love sport/football and thought you captured the spirit spot on.
Not qualified to speak to topic - you know my sport is all axels, lutzes, spins, glides and turns but also live or die passion. Nothing grander or more consuming for those who do it.
Love seeing you writing again. I like what you wrote, how you wrote it and I am happy to learn from the others' suggestions.
Thanks Pete, glad you came 'round the pub.
PS If you want I have 3 poems up that I read on http://beachanny.blogspot.com -
Metaphoric Blues, Mona's Song and Dans Le Jardin. You can hear my corny Texas accent!
I am not into this sport but you made this appealing to me.
I enjoyed reading it, including the suggestions and comments here.
Happy day ~
The cool thing about this piece is even though you took a specific interest, it still captures the broad theme.
The rhyme here wasn't too heavy. The cadence really balanced it out.
Constructing the line "as man turns boy, as light turns dark" was a stroke of genius.
"...as games have been." I'm not sure about. I'm still trying to work out what its significance is in this piece.
Like Luke said, I think it would be interesting to see this piece in couplets. Just a thought. Great writing though! Thanks for sharing.
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